A PhD in Anti-Social Behaviour?

I just ran into a friend at college and we spent a good 15 minutes lamenting the soul destroying nature of a PhD. As you do. These discussions tend to go in a predictable manner. We share a few practical examples of good and bad work habits. But it quickly devolves into us trying to gleefully big up each other as to who has the least productive habits and who watched Murder She Wrote at 3pm on BBC2.

On average, it takes me a twelve hour day to get about five hours of writing done. And that's a good day. Besides the endless cups of tea, the random phone calls to winge with Sally and the jaunts to Costcutters to buy off-brand chick peas, the addition of wireless in our flat is the real time sucker. I check my email every time I write a complete sentence it seems some days, but I don't reply to very much of it. It's just habitual reflexivity rather then attempts at actual engagement and interaction. But if email is the entry level drug to Internet addiction, then Ebay is surely crack cocaine. Except my habit is not as financially draining because I've capped my spending at items for a fiver, including postage. So it feels more like charity shopping except without the musty smelling clothes and discounts for pensioners. Writing on one's webpage may be more akin to tripping on mushrooms or say acid, only with a smart, subdued colour scheme rather then some tacky tie dyed rainbow motif.

It's been suggested that the best practice is to work for 45 minutes and then take a break for 15 and begin again. But that doesn 't give you much time for Car Booty does it? I mean, how much DID that Victorian cut crystal pen cosy go for? It's also been suggested that spending a day fighting off the self loathing only to allow guilt and pending ulcers sit you down at 8pm and work til the wee hours of the morn might not be the best way either.

Another strategy that is not one the university will teach during induction week is to lower your standards. It's true! We all do it. 'Save that for the book.' 'Change that during final revision.' We're encouraged to do these things by our supervisors who are simply trying to keep us on task. But what lurks behind these practical suggestions is that you are in fact, lowering your standards. Don't write what your heart tells you should be there, write what will get it done.

And that all feeds back into the cycle of self-loathing. It's just an endless loop that makes us feel bad about ourselves and our work. I mean, how many PhD's actually get read after the viva? And for those in the know, how many thesis have you read that you actually thought were good? I thought so. PhD's destroy lives and reward us for being self absorbed bores lacking all semblance of social skills.

Don't get wrong, I wouldn't have it any other way. It's a privledged existance that all comes to an end eventually, one way or another. My friend today offered a salient quote, a PhD's take on the inspiration / perspiration adage: 'A PhD is 10% inspiration and 90% procrastination!' Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar and you should give them your draft to proof since they're so clever and organised and all that. Besides, you can always change it for the book!